***Disclaimer: This article is for informational purposes only and does not provide medical, legal, or health advice and is not a substitute for mental health services

Boundaries can be hard to develop, put into action, and maintain.

Whether you are the first person in your social network starting to think about this issue or you have been working through boundary setting for some time now, it’s important to recognize how hard it can be to implement boundaries.

You may be met with lots of resistance and tension, especially if you are the first person in your family, friend group, or broader social network to express limits.

This doesn’t mean you should stop stating your boundaries — it just means that this is a tough adjustment period for everyone involved.

Whether or not the people in your life agree with or support your boundaries, it’s important to keep doing what works well for you mentally and emotionally so that you stay well.

This article goes into more depth about some of the personal, familial, and cultural factors that make boundary-setting so challenging in our relationships.

1. People — pleasing behaviour

Did you grow up in an environment, culture, or society where you were told to put others’ needs before yours?

Here are some examples of experiences you may have gone through:

• You learned that the perspective of the group — your family, extended family, or society — was more important than yours

• You were told that you should feel guilty for thinking of what’s important to you if this contrasted with what others (especially elders) wanted or expected of you — and you started to feel guilty whenever you thought about putting yourself first

• You noticed that you received more attention, love, and support the more that you followed others’ wishes and requests

• You observed that you kept fulfilling other people’s needs and demands because you wanted to feel cared for, valued, and acknowledged

• You ignored feelings of overwhelm, anxiety and burnout based on your motivation to prioritize other people

• You put your feelings and needs aside to preserve harmony

  
  

If one or more of these ideas rings true for you, then it sounds as though you are struggling with people-pleasing behaviour. This means you do what other people say you should do, rather than honouring what you want for your own well-being.

Being a people-pleaser can make it extremely difficult to start and maintain boundaries. Difficult situations with loved ones may lead you to revert back to old relationship patterns where you minimize your wishes for the sake of everyone else.

Identifying people-pleasing behaviour when it happens is often a good first step as any behaviour change begins with self-awareness. Once you start to recognize your people-pleasing behaviour and how this may not be serving you well, you will be able to start imagining how boundary setting could improve your quality of life and use that as motivation to get started.

2. Fear of shame or rejection

Another reason why setting boundaries is hard is because, once you take that scary step of defining and stating a boundary, you may be shamed, criticized, and ridiculed for prioritizing yourself.

For many, going against a social norm is often met with disapproval and dismissal. Having your own voice, values, beliefs, and needs may be not supported or recognized by those around you.

Some of the phrases you might hear in your social group could be that you’re being “rude”, “disrespectful”, “selfish”, or other comments that bring up feelings of guilt, shame, embarrassment, and remorse — to the point that you might second guess your boundary if the consequences seem too great.

Learning how to deal with such complex feelings of guilt and shame and understanding that you aren’t doing anything wrong when you set boundaries is a vital part of becoming comfortable with creating and maintaining limits.

You aren’t responsible for how other people feel about your boundaries. What’s important is that you consider what you need to do to protect your mental health and well-being.

3. Difficulty knowing where to even start

Are you feeling lost regarding what your first step would be in setting a boundary? You’re not alone. It can be difficult to know where to begin, especially if this is new territory for you.

One suggestion is to consider what you want for yourself in setting a boundary. Here are a few examples to get you thinking further:

• Is greater independence in terms of having alone time or your own physical space important to you?

• Could more reciprocity in regard to emotional support or decision-making be crucial for you in your relationships?

• Do you want to be treated more kindly and fairly by others?

• Is more of a balance with how you and the other person spend time together by alternating between both of your preferred leisure/recreational activities important to you?

Taking some time to reflect on what is personally meaningful to you may support you in developing a boundary that aligns with your unique values and needs.

Start small — choose a minor request that you feel you could try saying “no” to or perhaps suggest an alternative option or timing that could work better for you.

Once you start taking smaller steps toward boundary setting, it will become easier with practice. As you get started, you may begin to reflect on other areas where you want and need to see change. You will grow more confident setting boundaries in different relationships and regarding different needs as you continue along your path.

4. Worry about being isolated or shunned by others for speaking up

Isolation, exclusion, and being ostracized can be a very real fear — especially in situations where there are rigid beliefs or norms that don’t allow for individuality.

The weight of loneliness can be heavy so it is crucial to think about the fact that this may be the outcome after you enforce your boundaries and reflect on how you would cope with it.

Take some time to consider what life could be like if things stay the way they are if you don’t make any changes — and what life could be like if you do.

If the potential improvements associated with sticking with your boundaries far outweigh the risks of being shunned by or isolated from your social group, then it may be a path that you’re willing to take. Perhaps healthy boundaries will enable you to have more energy, mental space, and time to devote to meaningful personal pursuits or relationships that make you feel more fulfilled and loved.

For others, the risks may feel too severe, and they may not be consistent with their boundaries since staying connected to loved ones is more important to them. There may be practical reasons why they may need to maintain close bonds (e.g. financial, child care, caregiving needs or responsibilities, limited social supports, mental health history, etc.).

The decision to set boundaries is a very personal decision and there is no right or wrong here; choose what you feel is best for you.

5. Lack of role models or support for healthy boundaries

The previous point above about feeling unsure about where to start could also be linked with not having role models who have set boundaries in their own relationships.

A lack of mentorship from others through your journey of developing boundaries can make it that much harder for you to feel confident about taking this step forward. You might second guess yourself, start and then stop, or have difficulty following through.

While you might feel like you’re on your own in this process, it might help to remember that you could be paving the way for others to do the same and this may be enough to help you keep going. Being able to create sustainable change, empowerment, and inspiration for others in your family and social circle can be invigorating and rewarding despite the uphill battle that you may face.

Change starts somewhere and — sometimes — it starts with you.

Surround yourself with people who support your boundaries. If there aren’t many people you can turn to, look into resources — podcasts, videos, books, workshops, therapy, online support groups — any way that you can get support creating boundaries and building a life that is in line with your basic needs.

Final Thoughts

Boundaries are complicated, difficult to navigate, and can be outright stressful. They take a lot of effort, hard work, and consistency. The more you practice maintaining boundaries, the better you will feel across your relationships.

When handled in a consistent and clear manner, it can be one of the most valuable things you do for your own mental health and for the quality of your social connections.

Boundaries show others how you want to be treated and help you figure out which relationships you want to invest your time and energy into — those that make you feel heard, supported, valued, and respected. You deserve to be cared for in the way that you need to feel well in your everyday life.

Wishing you well on your mental health journey.

Davina Tiwari MSW, RSW, CSFT

Registered Social Worker and Certified Solution Focused Therapist

Read more blog posts about South Asian Mental Health.

If you are an adult in Ontario or Alberta seeking online therapy and would like to request a free 15 minute phone consultation, please Book An Appointment.